Happy Birthday to me...

Since Penang, I have not had the privilege of celebrating my birthday with the family. I wasn't even planning of returning home today as the family will be coming up this weekend for the Penang International Science Fair and it'd be ok to celebrate then. 

But as fate has it written, the children have some programme in school tomorrow and what a great excuse to not miss it, right? So here I am, waiting for my plane, after I had finished work today so that I'm able to be with the family. And instead of celebrating at midnight of 7 December, tonight is good too.

I missed coming back home last weekend because of the event at work but someone told me at the event, I should have just booked a flight back without hesitation.

I think as an adult, we always think too much about being the responsible person, being the person to not be reckless in our expenses, to have better control of our emotions, bla bla bla. I mean, it's fine not going back every weekend, you think, right?

Errrr no. I think I should just go home even if the event ends on Saturday and I only have less than 24 hours to spend with my family for the weekend. I should stop listening to my reasonable conscience when it comes to spending time with the family because what else can be more important than that? So just go back already.

I can't wait to arrive home to familiar warmth, where love is unconditional and where my heart feels full.

Who am I to you?

You said you care but do you really?

You said you love me but what is love to you?

It's been so painful to keep things within me 

And I've stopped hoping as I've accepted the cue

If you think everything is ok

If you're hoping that I'm ok

Then keep thinking that it is

I'll let your mind be at ease

But I know I'm not

And I refuse to accept being in this spot

I feel indifferent 

Because I know there's no point in this argument

You feel proud to show to the world

But action speaks louder than words.

Loneliness is the saddest feeling in the world

I don't really know but I do believe that the most painful and sad feeling in the world is loneliness.

There's that deep heartache that just wretches on the chest, you feel your heart pounding yet you know there's nothing you can do about it, the chest feels so painful that it becomes numb and your facial muscles feel like they're incapable of working to any expression.

The feeling of being jilted and there's nothing you say that could change it. And you just feel farther apart as the communication breaks down. There's nothing you can do or want to do anymore as you feel so hurt deep down that you just don't want to hurt yourself even more. Sometimes one tends to depend so much for emotional support that when that doesn't happen, we'd beat up ourselves so badly to the point of being angry at oneself for putting that kind of expectation on someone.

I don't want to suffer alone but I shouldn't feel so surprised.

I dictate my life and how I lead it

I’ve been meaning to write about my experience with long COVID but I have been distracted and quite frankly, trying my best to take it easy with life, not having to rush to do things if I don’t feel like it.

I didn’t even mean to share that I had COVID simply because it wasn’t a big deal - it was nothing and I was totally fine throughout, so I thought I would be so okay.

Boy was I wrong when I started having severe symptoms about 3-4 days post COVID when I collapsed at the office. Been having bouts of spells at 2 weeks interval for 6 weeks and monitoring myself for another 2 weeks to see if things are getting better or not.

So, with me being so quiet, not updating so much on social media because I had much more important stuff to face, I also didn’t update friends if I was coming home to KL. There was no meet up and I didn’t feel like seeing anyone. I think at a time like this, I just wanted to recuperate at home, have as much rest as I can and spend time with the family AT ALL TIMES. 

I don’t see the need to update anyone because real friends do not need to feel that I am obliged to do that as they can also send me a text to see if I am ok and breathing, right? But the fact that those who are just aquaintance not so much best friends have the gall to feel offended for my silence and then insinuating things have changed for “some” people, they’d be mad to think I’d respond to them on their social media post to make them feel so special. Who does this person think he is? I felt like laughing at such sucky drama.

I don’t pander to people, neither do I ever feel the need to explain myself. I only do that to my family. So go along feeling bitter while I straighten myself out for another 6 weeks, at least? 

I am hoping that that will be it for me, based on some information I got from the Net about long COVID - just 3-4 months tops. But over the weekend, a friend shared that she has been suffering from long COVID over a year now and there’s no seeing any light of recovery just yet.

For an experience like this, it makes me prioritise the family even more. I used to steal around 2-3 hours during the weekend from them just to catch up with some friends. I do have a lot of friends and I do treasure them a lot, although those closer to me have been those that I meet much more often. But since the ordeal with long COVID, I’m prioritising myself more, giving me more time to recuperate and recover from the hectic weekend of commuting [PEN->KUL->PEN], and then having to shift the mindset from late Sunday evening to prepare for a hectic week of work - there’s nobody more important than myself and nobody else could take care of myself if I don’t.

I don’t see many people sharing online about their symptoms from long COVID but then again, a lot of them do not link their health issues to post COVID. Even the doctors couldn’t say much about this since it’s such a new disease that there’s not much data about this to go about making any conclusions. The best explanation I got is that there’s an inflammation inside brought on by an infection like COVID, which anyone could also experience from any similar virus.

All I can say is, I am taking it easy for now and not feeling obliged to commit to anything that will make me experience further stress. Respect this.

Friendship that’s hard to find

I hear this a lot before that real friendships are hard to find and I couldn’t agree more with that belief.

Over the years, I’ve found some of the most valuable friends I could find and they bring so much joy to my life during different phases or experience. But this one particular gem that I have started way back in uni during our foundation years and though it went through some hits and misses, we always knew that it’s a friendship that’s so precious because of the experiences that we went through together while we were young and innocent, up til we’ve reached an age where we don’t give a fuck about what others think.

It’s been almost 3 decades of friendship with this one. I wouldn’t wanna delve too deep about the things we did together but I would always appreciate that she was there to witness how I grew from being that one stupid gullible girl to finding out about myself, up to now when we seem to be doing better in life compared to how we struggled together in the early days of our career. I missed so much of our conversations together when we were finding out about ourselves, how to find the right man and how we could make our strict mothers happy and proud of us… the days when we had our first pay and we both got our Nokia 3210 together, and how we supported each other on our darkest moments.

I never really felt alone back then even when I was a single mom as she made sure we’d always be in touch. I remember during the festive seasons when I’d go up north to be with my dad’s side, she’d come over to pick me up and have our own memories charted out, always trying to forget our blues as long as we were hanging out together.

It really warms my heart thinking about how she’s grown too, and how successful her life is now - she totally deserves the current lifestyle she’s got going after the many sacrifices we’ve been through back in those days. I totally cherish this friendship with her and how she stuck on with me even when she’s now far abroad and we could only spend brief moments together. I’ve tried holding on to several other friendships which I thought was good but if they don’t want to remain in your life, there’s nothing you could do to stop them from leaving. And I get that, I get that people move on with times - when there’s nothing much you have in common or even have the understanding to find time to reconnect, there’s no need to force upon them to stay. I am  a true advocate of that - that you cannot force love, you cannot force friendships.

So, when she texted me to tell me she was vacationing in Penang with her family recently when she had a short break from her husband’s overseas stint, I didn’t hesitate to spend time with her. After all, I am alone here and have all the time for her, and at this age, we will never know when we’d be able to see each other again. And I love her, I am always open to people I love, I’d like to let them know that I do, and that I’m always here if they need me.

The short meet brought up a lot of deep emotions for me as this was where it started for both of us - Penang. I hope I’ve been as good of a friend to her as she has been to me.

Till we meet again, Yang… love you.