Hate to leave but cannot stay

I guess this has been kind of a recurring theme for me. Perhaps I'd need to just shake this feelings off and be a [wo]man - chin up and focus on the positive side. I'm just telling myself all these to feel better although on principle, it doesn't help at all.

That's all.

I thought I'm immune by now

I remember on Wednesday just this week I was so looking forward to coming home, missing everyone at home so badly and super happy when Friday came for me to leave Penang.

Yet today, Sunday came and here I am back at the airport waiting for my flight, alone, to transport me back to Penang.

After 10 months of this routine one might think I'm already immune to the feelings. On the contrary, I feel sad, empty. Numb.

But we made this decision together. It's some small sacrifices for me to achieve great things for myself, which eventually will benefit the family too. Through the duration from the time we decided on this, a lot of things changed - the pandemic phase has been announced as moving towards endemic with a lot of companies now making it compulsory to go back to work. So there goes WFH plans from Penang then for the One. The children are also back in school and since  mommy comes back every so often, there's no pressing need for them to move, so they say.

So, I don't know how many more times I must repeat this process of missing, jubilation of returning to my loved ones and leaving all over again but I do know it's working so far. 

Oh, well. Be still, my heart ♥️

Is it tiredness or just plain lazy?

I had lots of things on my mind for a blog post since the last one, but I also realised that I may have too many things in my head that in the end, I don’t even remember what was that great topic or idea that I thought of, for me to start writing. And, that’s pretty frustrating.

I remember how it was back then when I started blogging circa 2005, things came so smoothly and I don’t have to think much. All the words came by so freely and I could just write whatever was in my heart. How easy that was! 

Now, I struggle to remember what was it that I was thinking the other day and when I let that slip by, I lost the momentum of writing every day. Sometimes I wish I have a tape recorder to record the voices in my head as I thought about the next interesting topic. In fact, I had committed to someone that I was gonna participate in this new venture of his where I’ll contribute 1 article a month on my area of expertise, based on personal experience. Gosh, I had so many ideas but now when it’s time for me to send him the framework, I look at those topics that I thought was so very interesting and am doubting myself - questioning myself why did I even accept that invitation to contribute? What have I done and do I want to jeopardise my reputation like that for not being able to deliver what I had earlier committed to?

Writer’s block, as they used to say.

But I also think it’s plain laziness. The past few weeks of intense stuff happening around me, made me so mentally exhausted. Oh and I forgot to mention that I lost 2 good friends in 2 days, one from ailments he already had in a while, while the other one, lost his battle with cancer. I feel that these are just excuses for me not to start writing but I really do feel exhausted. 

How much rest do I really need? When am I gonna start taking this seriously?

I am just tired.